August
27
2009
By Charlie Scott
They say that New Zealand has no dangerous wild animals. No snakes, no crocs, no bears, no wild cats, no scorpions. That’s nice. So why is there a crazed, predatory beast sitting ten feet in front of me clutching a small wheel?
Right, he’s not, technically, “wild”. His name is Todd, he’s 25, and he’s piloting our formerly merry (currently terrified) group of ten down the Dart River in New Zealand. We’re going fast, really fast, way too fast, and we’re coming awfully close to the shore, and rocks the size of a Suburban. We’re jostled left to right, right to left, as Cap’n Crazy navigates the twists and turns of the river—good thing there’s a heated metal bar to hold on to. Every now and then I can hear (barely, over the rumble of the jets) the bottom of our boat scraping the gravel-bottom riverbed. With mild warning (i.e. Todd swinging his arm in the air like a rodeo rider) the boat comes to a lurching pause, only to launch, milliseconds later, into a full-on 360-degree spin. My hair is standing on end and my eyes are wide. I can’t stop laughing.
It didn’t have to be this way. Instead of signing up for the ‘Dart River Jet Boat Safari’ I could have chosen the ‘Funyak Safari’. But somehow it didn’t hold the same promise of adrenaline (nor bragging rights). Then again, in this staggeringly dramatic corner of the country you really can’t go wrong. The Dart River starts high in the Southern Alps, where it’s fed by ice cold, crystal clear glacier water. For miles, this turquoise ribbon winds down valley gradually evolving into a braid of shallow channels, eventually washing into the long and lovely Lake Wakatipu. The whole region is positively stunning.
Ready to be shaken and stirred? Here’s what to do:
• Make a reservation with Dart River Jet Boat Safari in Queenstown (NZ’s adventure capital)
• Hire a car in Queenstown and drive 45 minutes along the lakeshore to the small town of Glenorchy. Getting there is half the fun, so allow time to stop and take photos.
• While you’re waiting for your tour to start, walk over to the Glenorchy Fur Shop, in a little red tin building. This is possum (a huge threat to the native flora) country, so you’ll be doing the trees of a New Zealand a favour by buying a fur cushion.
• Be patient for the first hour and a half of the tour. It starts with a “scenic back road tour”, followed by a nature walk. This is all filler for the main event.
• When it’s time to board, grab one of the corner seats at the back of the boat. This is where you’ll experience maximum thrill. Just remember to cover your camera in plastic—this is the splash zone.
• Drive back to Queenstown (no 360s, please) and have a drink. You’ve earned it.
Charlie Scott is a Trufflepig partner and speed freak. Check out the video of his wild ride, then email him if you want to be hooked up with your own Kiwi adventure.